01 April 2008

Previously on The Tudors

I realised that the new season of The Tudors started yesterday (man, does that mean I'm now watching two TV shows at once? Jeez, what an addict!) and my Veoh software isn't working so I could only watch the first five minutes of the first episode on their website. There were a lot of deaths, shags, betrayals and Thomases last season but luckily, the entire four minutes 30 pre-credits section 0f the first episode contains a handy summary of the events of the past season (which cover about ten years, although the series's warped timeline makes this hard to measure exactly) with some spoilers below but then isn't all historitainment going to be spoiled given that it's based (however loosely in the case of The Tudors) on real events every English kid studies at school:

Henry fought France but Francis was cooler and had a fitter wife and also beat Henry in a wrestling bout. Henry had lots of friends and even more enemies, most of them called Thomas. Many of them lost their heads; the hot lucky ones like Charles Brandon had honours bestowed upon them (the Duke of (Suf)fuck). Buckingham (Duke thereof) was a bit of a coward as well as a traitor - also, there were too many Thomases in the show already so he had to go.

Anne was a minx. She was also a just another bullet in the Eavil Howard Family's great game of dynastic Russian Roulette. Henry liked her anyway, mainly because she refused to put out. Her Daddy did rather well as a result; Catherine of Aragon, loved by the peeps but just not doing it anymore for Henry, did less well. Henry wanted a son, though, and as Catherine hadn't given him one, they clearly must never have been really married in the first place. Charles, meanwhile, married the king's hybrid sister, Mary/Margaret, without Henry's permission after she had murdered her aged husband - tut tut - but then she died too - probably for the best given that he was too busy cavorting elsewhere.

Henry decided he must shag Anne and was jealous of her dalliances with Thomas Wyatt; she said not until they were married; ergo, he said to Wolsey, "I can has divorcez plz NOW." Wolsey told him definitely (maybe) but ultimately failed to follow through on his lofty promises leading to his fall from grace and subsequent dramatic suicide/death of natural causes en route to the Tower (depending which "version" of history you follow). Luckily, there was a way for Henry to can has his divorce and, as a bonus, to be God's rep in England. Then, he and Anne randomly fuck in the woods, anyway, even though they're not yet married because the audience is fed up of this tension that has been building up for, like, ten years.

"Oh noes! Baybeez: do not want," realised Anne, which kind of ruined the moment of their otherwise rather raunchy silvestral scramble. As they both lay, frustrated, on the ground, Anne's Daddy's words (eww) echoed in her head: "Perhaps you can imagine a way...to prolong his interest" (no, not C16th Viagra). But that way involved being a cheeky little cocktease so she's ruined that one. Whatever will become of her now? And, more to the point, will anyone give a damn what happens to her given that everyone hates her apart from Henry and even her own father and Unky Nastyorfolk don't even try to save her pretty little neck?

Finally, some heretics were burned. Henry showed his wild, crazy side; one Thomas C(romwell) loved it, the other (Cranmer) was massively unimpressed. Heaven help the English Church with a man like Henry at its helm, was clearly the thought on everyone's mind.

I guess I'll have to tune in to find out what happens next - or, if I actually wanted to know what happened next, I could just read a book. However, with the exception of Robert Dudley (pre his marriage to Lettice Knollys, anyway) and CliveWalter Raleigh (in some portraits), those C16th profile pictures just don't do it for me. Imagine Henry's Facebook profile though:

Name: Henry R
Status: Changing the face of the English Church FOREVER (any1 up 4 a banquet l8rz?)
Networks: England, Court
Looking for: Sexual satisfaction, a son, eternal glory
Sex: Yes, please (hee hee; I'm the King so you must laugh at my jokes or I'll hang you)
Interested in: Women, men (if they're my sons)
Relationship status: Er...
Hometown: Greenwich, England
Birthday: 28 June, 1491 (u wudn't think i woz a Cancer, right?)
Political views: Vary depending on whose knickers I want to get into this week
Religious views: Vary depending on whose knickers I want to get into this week
Residence: Assorted palaces
Activities: Dispatching wives in as varied a fashion as possible, trying to produce a son, jousting, war, getting laid, getting into Anne B's French knickers, exerting my authoritah, beheading peeps, tennis (royal, natch)
Interests: Producing an heir that isn't ginger, getting one over King Francis, preventing peeps from getting too big for their boots
Favourite music: Greensleeves (I wrote it, though, so I would say that!), Father & Son (Cat Stevens), Here Comes the Son
Favourite books: The one I wrote where I told Martin Luther where to shove it
Favourite quot[ation]s: To Katherine Howard: So, you're wife #5...Divorced, beheaded, died, divorced...oh, soz, luv, looks like you're up for the chop! Let's fabricate some adultery charges! Next!
About me: Don't judge me by my marital history! I'm a pussycat, really, though if you're a bird, you're really better off marrying someone else - unless you're Katherine Parr, who really did marry someone else who ended up acting like a complete dickwad, anyway

Henry's Wall:
KP (1547): Well, you wanted someone more mature after that silly slut of a teenager, right? I promise you that no more pious nor more scholarly wife will you find. Or indeed any more wives at all given that I actually outlive you. Shame Wife #3's bro whom I end up marrying next turns out to be a bit of a cad after touching up poor old Princess Lizzie! With warm regards, KP

Kat H (1542): oh h gr8 2 post on ur wall lol. tx 4 da new dresses 2; obvs i wanted them to look gud 4 u not for tom culpepper - dat's a vicious rumer. just u ask my uncle norfuk, he knows! anyhoo, goin out to 'spoons 2nite so will probs be back l8 dnt w8 up 4 me k? k x x x x

Anne of Cleves (1540): Can't believe u only gave me 2/10 on the Hot or Not app? Come on, dude, u were like 50 when we married and i was only 25. Let's think for a moment who's really the hottie and who's the nottie. Luv u like a sis anyways, though! thanks for the jewels! Love Mare

Jane Seymour (1537): Glad you liked your son; just a shame he's not going to reign for very long and that Spaniard's daughter and that dirty heretic witch's daughter are going to end up running this dump. Lots of love, J

Charlie Brandon ("The Duke") (1537): man, i had the best night last night - you should've been there, srsly hot babes. there was this gorgeous marquis's daughter - i totally negged her and she was gagging for me. u gotta invite her to cort - she can give anne a bit of competition! later bro.

Anne B (1536): Salut, hottie! Long time, no c! wen u gonna let me out of dis towar; we can hav teh sex if u lets me c u!!! luv A XOXO (ps I never really slept with my brother; that was just an April Fool!)

Catherine of Aragon (1530): Hola! Que tal? Ti amo mucho, mi amor. u know i never made amor with ur bro. xxx

Duke of Buckingham (1521): fuk u, harry! u'll never get away with this - I will hav my venge- [account has been disabled]

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